


A Guide to Successful Musketeering

by evilmaniclaugh



Series: Musketeering for Dummies [1]
Category: The Musketeers (2014)
Genre: Crack, Humour, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-06
Updated: 2014-08-06
Packaged: 2018-02-12 01:21:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2090391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evilmaniclaugh/pseuds/evilmaniclaugh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Humour. Crack fic. Porthos and Aramis make a worrying discovery when they go on a late night visit to the captain's office to ask him for help with their entry fees to the contest.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Guide to Successful Musketeering

“Entrance fees,” grumbled Porthos for the fifth time that evening. “When have we ever had to pay entrance fees?” He looked disconsolately down at his drink as if the answer to his problem lay somewhere at the bottom of the glass.

“It must be a new thing,” said Aramis. “Perhaps the King takes a percentage to help fund his fleet.”

“I don’t give a damn about his ships,” said Porthos. “I want in to that contest. I want a chance to give a Red Guard the hammering he deserves.” He hated the cardinal’s troops with a passion.

Aramis shrugged. “We do that every day, my friend.”

“But I want to do it _legitimately_ ,” said Porthos, jumping to his feet. “I’m going to ask Treville if he’ll sub us the fees.”

“Now?” asked Aramis.

“Now, while I’m drunk enough to do it. Are you with me?”

“I’m with you,” said Aramis and the two men swayed their way out of the alehouse and up the road towards the garrison.

It must have been a lot later than they thought because the barrack buildings were silent and swathed in darkness.

“Shhh,” whispered Aramis as he teetered up the steps. “I can hear something.”

True enough there were voices coming from Treville’s quarters. The door was ajar and both men listened at the inch wide gap.

“You _will_ pay your way or you will not be allowed to enter the contest,” said Treville. “You know the rules, Athos.”

“But, Sir,” said Athos, “I haven’t two sous to rub together. I can’t raise the money from thin air. Please will you waive the fee, Sir. For me, the best Musketeer in the regiment. Your favourite.”

Porthos and Aramis exchanged a look. How very arrogant of their friend.

“I will, Athos, but you still know the rules. Payment will be made.”

“Must I?”

“It’s the only way if you want to enter the contest and prove your worth.”

“But, Sir?”

“Do it, Athos.”

There was a scuffling sound and the two men looked inside to see Athos falling to his knees in front of the captain. What was he doing? This was all most confusing and very out of character.

Things soon got worse. Neither Porthos nor Aramis could believe it when Athos began to unfasten the buttons on Treville’s breeches. They stared at each other in horror and then peeped back into the room to see Athos with his hand closing around Treville’s erect cock and leaning towards it as if he were about to…

“Madre de Dios!” exclaimed Aramis.

“Who’s there?” shouted Treville and Porthos and Aramis scuttled away down the steps, hiding in the stables and breathing hard as they peered around the door to make certain all was safe.

“We must speak to Athos tomorrow and find out what’s going on,” said Aramis.

“Did he really…? Was he actually going to… you know?” said Porthos.

“Under duress,” said Aramis somberly.

It was a dark day for the King’s Musketeers.

 

\---

 

Sitting either side of Athos at the benches, Porthos and Aramis leaned forward and exchanged a look. They had come up with a plan to get their friend to talk about his terrible experiences at the hands of the captain and now was the perfect time to execute it.

“I don’t know what I shall do,” cried Aramis in mock despair. “How can I possibly raise this entrance fee?”

“I don’t know,” said Porthos. “I’m in the same boat. I have no idea how to enter this contest without actually paying.”

“A lady in the street stopped me and gave me the money,” said d’Artagnan, who was sitting opposite them polishing his weapon. 

All three men looked across at him with raised eyebrows.

“But you probably have to be young and pretty for that to happen,” said d’Artagnan, jumping up to finish off the task in hand somewhere more appropriate.

Porthos frowned at his departing back. “So I wonder,” he said pensively, returning to the plan. “Is there a way we can enter without paying the fee?”

“I’ll lend you the money,” said Athos. “I have plenty.” Taking his pouch from a pocket he tipped the contents onto the table and gold coins spilled everywhere. “Share that out between you, gentlemen,” he said as he stood up. “I’m off to have a quiet word with my captain.”

“Last night he said he had no money,” said Aramis in a hushed voice as he stacked the coins into two asymmetrical piles. “And now he’s rich. Do you realise what this means?”

Porthos shook his head, far too fascinated by the tiny columns of gold that were glistening in the sunshine to bother with any thinking.

“It means that Treville is paying Athos to have sex with him. Athos is clearly a prostitute,” said Aramis with wide eyes.

“But I thought he was a secret nobleman?” said Porthos.

“A secret, down on his luck nobleman with a drinking problem and a desperate need for money who is being exploited by our own commanding officer.” Aramis clapped a hand to his mouth. “We must save Athos.”

“He’s up there with him now,” cried Porthos and together they raced for the stairs and barged in to the captain’s office.

It was an eye opener to say the least. Treville had Athos spread out on his desk with his breeches down and was, at present, driving his cock eagerly into Athos’ arse with determined thrusts.

“Out,” he barked, glancing around at them.

“But, Sir,” said Aramis, summoning every ounce of courage he possessed.

“Both of you get out of my office now,” yelled Treville as he continued to fuck Athos. “And shut the bloody door behind you.”

Porthos and Aramis were brave and often foolhardy at times, but today neither of those attributes were in evidence as they rushed for the exit, bumping into each other in their hurry to leave.

“You really should get a do not disturb sign made,” was the last thing they heard as they stumbled out of the room. The well enunciated drawl was obviously Athos, which was confusing to them as he sounded neither distressed nor coerced.

 

\---

 

“Athos, if there’s anything at all you’d like to talk to us about please feel free,” said Aramis, the next day as they trained together in the yard.

“We’re your friends,” said Porthos, clapping a solid hand on Athos’ shoulders. “You can tell us anything. We’ll understand.”

“We’ll help you,” said Aramis.

“Help me?” Athos looked baffled. “What with?”

“I don’t know,” said Aramis, shrugging his shoulders in a careless way. “An uncomfortable situation with a higher ranked officer perhaps?”

“Oh, you mean Treville and I,” smirked Athos. “We don’t need any assistance, thanks. We’re doing fine without you.”

“But we saw what he did,” hissed Porthos. “He forced you to pay for your entrance into the contest… with your mouth.”

Athos laughed. “That was just a game he and I thought up. That’s the only reason there _were_ entrance fees. It made no sense at all. I’m surprised none of you questioned it actually.”

“A game?” Aramis was baffled. 

“You know. A game? The fun kind of game?” Athos raised an eyebrow. “Come on. You’re a man of the world, Aramis. Porthos, you’re a man. You know what it’s like when you want to spice things up in the bed chamber. Don’t you ever dress up and play pretend?”

Both men looked at him with blank expressions, mouths agape.

“Treville and I get bored sometimes,” explained Athos.

“But he’s forcing you to have sex with him,” said Porthos who was not understanding this at all.

Athos looked despairingly at the pair of them. “You know when soldiers are in the battlefield and there are no women around, but they still want a bit of comfort?” he said. “And by that I mean sex.”

Aramis nodded. He’d heard of such things. Marsac had tried to explain something similar to him once when they were alone in their tent together.

“Well,” said Athos. “Treville and I aren’t like that at all. We’re a couple of raging sodomites who love nothing more than having a cock up the arse. There’s a special place up the bum that, with the addition of a stiff prick and some lamp oil, can feel better than anything on earth.”

“Really?” said Porthos, still a bit dumbfounded to speak in sentences.

“Really,” said Athos. “You ought to try it. After all, everyone thinks you’ve been doing it together for years, so you may as well reap the benefits.”

 

\---

 

“I have lamp oil,” said Porthos in a hushed voice as they made their way up to his rooms. “What else did Athos say we’d need?”

“A stiff prick,” chuckled Aramis. They’d taken the precaution of soaking themselves in a couple of bottles of wine earlier and now everything felt really rosy.

Porthos opened the door. “A bed. We’ll need a bed. I have a big bed,” he said happily.

“Athos and Treville didn’t need a bed.” Aramis began to get undressed.

“Well, we’re learners,” sniggered Porthos as he too stripped down. “Do we need instruction?”

Aramis lay next to him and leaned in close. “I think we’ll get the hang of it,” he said, pressing himself up against Porthos as they touched lips together for what turned into the best kiss of their lives.

Instinct took over and it turned out that Athos was right. There was something delightful inside a man’s bottom which was worth investigating over and over again. It was equally delicious to fuck each other with mouths, fingers, feet and any other objects that lay close to hand.

“Can you believe the entire regiment thinks we’ve been doing this for years,” said Porthos as they lay next to each other in bed, finally sated after a fun filled night of exploration. 

“But why didn’t they tell us about it sooner?” said Aramis. “It’s brilliant.”

“Good job it’s not illegal.”


End file.
